What makes consent sexy isn’t simply that the person wants to be doing it with you. It’s not enough to just assume that if she (or he) doesn’t say no, they want it. This kind of thinking, which some men use as a defense (“she didn’t say no”), is problematic on many levels. The burden is not on the woman to say no, but on the person pursuing the sexual act to get an active yes. While more women need to speak up about their sexual desires, men also need to proactively ask their female lovers what they want in bed, and recognize that it may not be so easy for women to talk about. Many of us have been told that we’re supposed to look and act sexy, but are never given a script, outside of porn, regarding how to go about doing that. For some people, it comes naturally, but for others, just asking to be touched in a certain spot or to engage in a new position is a challenge. The bottom line is, you can’t assume you know what your partner is thinking.
Rachel Kramer Bussel, Beyond yes or no: Consent as a sexual process in Yes Means Yes.
